( My seduction style, from some Flash quiz thinger. )

I'm turning 30 this month. That is scary. Me! Thirty! And I'm still a video gaming, roleplaying fool who is returning to college.

I can't help but look at freshmen and think 'n00bz'. :D

But seriously, I've realized that I've changed a lot over time. It's probably less obvious online (particularly since my online presence has faded, except on my own site and RPoL, now) but it's very obvious whenever I connect with people who live back where I used to in the States. I've had over 4 years to distance myself from the lifestyle I used to force myself into, and a lot of the bad habits I used to have, too.

Not saying I'm a perfect person. I feel like I'm still in a long, slow transitional period. But I feel better about myself than I used to. I realize that all the time and trials, all the waiting for my immigration to work out, the mistakes, the arguments, the moments of despair and hard-won realizations, are ultimately shaping me into a person that I can actually *like*. But because the transformation, if you could call it that, is incomplete, I guess I feel more inclined to be insular.

Maybe things are finally starting to look up this year. 30! Whoa.

'cause I realized there may still be some people who'd want to know, who don't read my site:

I got into Concordia University (Montreal, to be exact). I applied back in November, but it's confirmed I've been accepted now! :D Specifically in Computer Science program, which I hope to transfer at least SOME units for. As it stands I may already have to do physics and chemistry over again. Who woulda thought?

I definitely think it rocks that I set out to get back into college and did it, even with my transcript having every letter of the alphabet, with being on academic probation more than once, with sudden withdrawals and other such things. Not to mention, I'm reentering as an undergrad at 30 years old. This is my third time, maybe I will actually finish? Who knows. n.n

Anyway I start in Sept 2009.

In other news I have apocryphal_muse back and this RULES. *hogs her*

After some thought, I'm realizing I need to rethink what I'm doing with the Tower RP. So I password locked the entire Tower site.

Also the lack of response for the most part was telling. I did have 4 or 5 people interested and that's more than enough for a game, but I think the Vanilla forum is just.. not intuitive for most people. No one posted anything, no one asked questions and I only got one profile, anyway. So, I think something needs to be redone.

I may not even use FFRPG rules next time. Mostly because my and Jon's charas have a hard time fitting into a single class (or even dual class) system. Of course, finding a system that allows the kind of concepts we make is pretty hard.

In truth, I'm actually thinking of designing my own RP system, instead. :P Something homebrew that I may end up publishing independently, with the Tower as a 'default' campaign setting. It'll be a project that takes me years but will ultimately be more satisfying than trying to alter some other system to my needs.

Well, sorry to the few of you who had wanted to join Tower RP though. :( By the time there's a next time, I'll probably have to go seek playtesters from an entirely different audience. More and more I'm realizing I've moved on from almost every group I used to be in online, and other online friends/acquaintances have moved on in their own way. I'm becoming more and more difficult to reach, as well -- whether intentionally or not, I'm disconnecting from people more and more. I do miss a great many of you, but I find my life is too complicated lately and full of various little self-created dramas for me to keep in touch, for now.

So, I don't resent it from anyone should they put me in the back of their minds, since it's only fair. I just have to remind myself that that's what's happening. :/

I realized I never actually put the link for signing up for the forum in the first place. Wow, I'm dumb. :D

It's here: Sign up for Tower RP. When you click on the register link it says stuff about "Applying for Membership" bu that's basically Vanilla-speak for registering, really. Kinda like RPoL has RTJ (Request to Join). I just changed the register link text so I don't have to explain to people "this is where you sign up!!" every time.

Anyway, sorry about that... I was just not thinking last night/morning at all. -_-

Holidays were exhausting... and I've hardly really let myself rest, even in my free time. First I had to catch up with my RPoL games (and I've still got more to do with that). Then I pushed myself to get the Tower RP Forums done, which I've JUST completed now!

I feel bad being all terse, I know you people on LJ barely ever hear from me and all I really have to mention now is more RP things. ^^; But I did want to post here for the few on my friends list I know are interested in the Tower RP. As mentioned previously it will be using Final Fantasy RPG rules and is more or less like a panfandom game but with original characters only. Oh also it has plot (or it *will*, anyway).

Oh, I said all this already, anyway. I'll just post the link. ^^;
Tower RP Forum - powered by Vanilla!

Just so tired. ;.; I hope you are all having a great 2009 so far.

(edit--would be nice if I posted the RIGHT link, go genius!)

As I posted on my site I am considering reviving Tower Between Worlds RP. The original was a freeform Forum RP. This time I would like to use FFRPG rules (from Returner Games. PDF of core rules is here packed in RAR format.)

So here is a post to inform and possibly interest. :)

( History of the Tower and its Denizens (long) )

I want the Tower RP Revival to actually have a plot, something that will get characters moving and cooperating, testing their skills and magic and combat prowess against a greater foe or foes. It makes more sense to do that with a Final Fantasy based system, especially, since what FF is there that doesn't have combat as the main activity? I'm also pretty certain the scenario will at the core be some sort of combination of war for territory / diplomatic mission to gain allies, culminating (or so I imagine, if the game ever gets that far) in taking on some grand multiversal villain. Something like a Ragnarok spanning multiple universes, really. :P

What would the 'villain' be? I think it won't be a single entity, but something of a sinister concept taken form. I'm pondering borrowing from the old Soul Collectors idea and actually making it some sort of entity that personifies stagnation: basically, it seeks to close all the portals between worlds, and in that process basically eliminate death itself (as death is really just passing onto another plane of existence). Which might seem a good idea to some people, until you realize that the ones that have lived past their time end up turning into terrible fiends. :P

The PCs for this concept would all be characters made with the FFRPG system that have been 'hired' on by Sabati to join the Tower Between Worlds. The one thing I would ask is that people make original characters. Of course, you could still base your character on a specific world in gaming or fiction if you wanted, as long as it could be translated somehow into the FFRPG rules. There's even the possibility of the game moving onto your PC's homeworld at some point to take over their multiversal portal or befriend its leaders, if people choose the diplomatic route (though I would require you to give me sufficient detail about that world so I can GM it, or even have you run the homeworld scenario as a guest GM.)

Whew, that was a lot of writing! If Tower RP interests you, leave a comment here. I intend to get a forum going by early January, but how much I prioritize the project depends on the interest I get. :D Thanks for reading!

Since my last post, I am...
- No longer playing DR. Also canceled account. Long story, but I think I've just really burned out from playing after my last attempt at trying to get involved in player organized stuff. :/
- Running 3 RPoL forum games. :O (all Exalted, too. Heh.)
- Playing FFXI periodically (Talliska @ Gilgamesh).
- Still on PSU (Reina Hidalgo @ Universe 9 'Chamaeleon' - usually on Fri and Sat)
- Very likely gonna attend Concordia University in Montreal come Sept 2009. I'm just trying to work out the last kinks with my freaking permanent residency documents, arghhh. I am nervous that they won't get there in time and I won't be accepted. I pray it won't be the case. ;_;

Holidays and stuff
- Jon's b-day was last Nov 10, woo. We just celebrated quietly, as is our tendency. ^^
- Dec 17 is my and Jon's wedding anniversary. ?!? wow! I've been married for 4 years.
- Dec 21 is ink_ninja's birthday and I am saying right now: Happy birthdayyyyy! Just in case I am lame and don't poke you on AIM by then. (I am such a hermit. Sorry. ;___;)
- Dec 22 - Jan 2, my sister is visiting me in Montreal. :D I hope it will be fun. She'll FREEZE though, I can't imagine her being able to take -20 C weather.

I wanted to thank seifaden and eniko again for donating to my lil' site a while back... it was helpful. I think by next year I should be able to afford the next upgrade to my server! yayyayay. Because I'm in this transition 'switching from partial dependence on parental units to having my own money' period I really don't have much of *anything* for presents. I've decided I would have to hold off on gifts this time around and I thank you all for understanding that.

Hope you all have or will have a great holiday season. My main gripe: wtf gaaaaaamessss. I want too many and $$$ is limited. I dunno what to buy / ask for. ;_; (Suggestions are welcome!)

HI! Well time for another installment of "wow, Mieu pays attention to her LJ now and then!" :D

First of all, I am now a Montreal resident. Moved here a few weeks ago, and am settling down. Admittedly, though, I'm still not spending all that much time outside due to this recurring sinus headache I've been having. (And my anxiety issues but that's another thing entirely.) If not this week though, I definitely want to start my college apps next week. Ugh, procrastinating, but... it's hard to get much done when my head is either 1) agony or 2) woozy from medications.

There's two things taking up my attention right now, in the meantime.

1) Dragonrealms. Yes, amazingly enough, I have been playing DR consistently for a couple months now. My current character's a member of the Order of the White Rose and has been helping with interviewing recruits. Other than that I train her a lot, because rangers need a lot of survival training. Especially with the new requirements coming up.

2) RPoL (Roleplay Online), where I'm getting my fix of forum RP lately. I play in a couple of play-by-post Exalted games there, and am joining an anime-inspired freeform as well as a D&D 3.5 game. (God, I'm so rusty with 3.5.)

And... that's all for now because my sinus meds are making my head feel too woozy to concentrate on writing. Feel like my head's going to float off my body any moment! ^^;

I'm looking at my LJ wondering... ok, I hardly post on this thing. I hardly check it. Should I still have it? :O

I'm not going to delete it, no. But if any of you who've added me want to remove me for some reason, I don't mind. I know I've been really unactive on LJ, 'cause I'm too private to write my drivel with a friends list as audience, I think. :(

Wally, did you ever actually want to RP? ^^; I guess I kinda missed that chance (like a lot of things). But I did have to cancel Soul Collectors, at least, the first try I had at running it. I wanted a chance someday to run it with people I'm more comfortable with, so that's why I ask, but as usual... no pressure. :o

Also, I seem to be in planning to run a D&D 4e game based on a roguelike (Ancient Domains of Mystery, woo) and a Reborn Again BESM game. Yeah, BESM, WTF?! is what I'm thinking. I actually kind of think Dragon-Blooded would've worked well for RA, but the person who inspired the game specifically wanted non-Exalted rules. I don't blame her... she and I play(ed) a LOT of it already.

I ended up leaving that Livejournal RP I mentioned last post already. Guess that was short-lived. Not really wanting to get into the "why" -- it's just a better decision for me.

Also gives me more time to devote to not-RP things. I get in these "join every RP I can see!" binges sometimes, when I'm lonely or bored or whatever else. Then I wake up and go "wtf... I gave myself NO alone time in between." I guess you can say it's this escapist impulse, because I'm not happy about my RL sometimes.

On the other hand, I did already get an apartment in Montreal. We're moving in August 1st, assuming nothing odd happens in between then and now. (My inner pessimist is speaking.)

Lastly, a cool name analyzer using numerology that ink_ninja posted. You can do your own here.

( This number analysis is creepily accurate for me. )

Skeptic I may be, but I always find it amusing when numerology or astrology (or whatever else) gets it right.

So I've been busy with stupid inane things lately (read: mostly writing and RP, otherwise just being my usual useless, hermity self) and not keeping up with people. Trying to fix that is hard. I AM around on IMs most of the time though, and I do respond when people msg me. Just... rrr, need to be more active with initiating communication. Ah well.

In other news, I'll be gone looking for apartments in Montreal next week. Yeah, gasp, my life is actually starting to move somewhere. Fear that. Maybe I'll stop trying to drown myself in RPs, then.

The other weird development is totally my friend apocryphal_muse's fault... I'm not only in an LJ RP, it's a multifandom LJ RP. With plot. And NO OCs. Seriously... how could I! And yet I have, and it's been more fun than I thought. (I'm playing *drumroll* ... Juri Arisugawa from Revolutionary Girl Utena.)

I'm thinking I need to trim down on some of the stuff I've been giving myself to do while I wait on my freakin' green card, and health card, and all that immigration stuff that's still stuck forever in "we're almost done but not quite!" mode. (The reason is mostly an error on our side, sadly... i.e. the incident some of you know about where I didn't renew my visa, thinking it was auto-extended. I'd probably be done a year ago if not for that, isn't that great? =_=)

Some of my RPs might have to go... mostly the newer ones. I am starting to think I should just... quit trying to run real time games. They are a HUGE stress drain. Emberdays is ok, I've had it for a long time and am used to the players, but... the others? Dunno. I'm actually starting to favor PbP, of all things! :O

WTF Windows Vista. oh well... I had to make the jump, and so I did. Now that I'm done tearing my hair out trying to figure out how Vista reorganized all the directories, and done watching gigabyte after gigabyte of files transfer to my new sata drive (this... is... SATA!!!!!! *Leonidas holding a hard drive*) I am almost ready to actually *enjoy* my computer. Hah.

(He's named Saboteur... he's black and shiny and sleek with blue glowy bits, with a sexy core 2 quad cpu... XD)

Also I has a meme... well, it's another personality quiz type thingy, but I thought it nifty for all the sliders and 2-axis charts and awesome color maps! It doesn't display on LJ though for some reason. ;.; But my result is a "Considerate Experiencer".

You can get your own PersonalDNA here. (Try to ignore how that sounded like an ad, cause I'm not affiliated with this site. It's just fun. :D)

Heading out now, got a hotel room tonight and hopefully a nice meal and some relaxation for once.

(god, I wish I hadn't given myself so much to do sometimes, I'm an idiot!)

( Results are behind the cut. )

Nothing really surprising, here. *shrugs!*

What'm I doing... mostly working on webstuff and RP stuff, as usual. Nothing much to report -- oh, except that I'm getting a new computer very soon! In a few days! I can't wait. 4 GB memory, Intel Core 2 Quad, decent video card, half-terabyte drive (note: I only had 300 GB total before), and so on. I saved up the money for it myself so I am quite proud of the purchase. Just gotta wait for it to ship here.

And my birthday is tomorrow, not that this is important, really. I almost forget it's there sometimes. o.O

Sis left on Sunday...

I'm in a bad mood now, partly cause I'm getting sick and partly cause I'm in a highly asocial mood at the moment. (I'm writing more about it on darksiren journal, but whatever. Figured I'd write here too.)

And yet I'm here checking LJ!

Well hopefully I'll be more talkative in a couple days.

RP: I joined a forum RP, which is very odd of me, but it looks like it'll be good if/when it gets started. I love writing RP more than I do RP in speech, maybe that makes me weird. :(

I am still running Emberdays. And Soul Collectors should still go as scheduled. To my surprise, my sister wants to join SC -- she made a Zenith Solar while she was visiting. But, not sure she can keep up with the schedule (should be every other Wednesday evening).

Can't wait till I can play Wardragon again. :O

My sis is coming to visit. I think. She told me she might be too sick to make it today. I'm a little bit upset at the idea that after all the prepping and taking time off from my usual... stuff... to make sure I'd be there and undistracted the whole time she visits, she just won't show.

Eh, she probably will but that was a bit of a "wha?!" since she just said that a couple hours ago.

I was talking to Kalli yesterday about how I wish I could find a depression community that didn't focus on everyone just... writing stuff they'd write on their personal journal, except on a public community. I mean, it just looks like a bunch of people desperate for someone to pay attention to them and tell them how to fix their problems. Me? I'd like to be in a community where depressed people actually talk about their triumphs: "hey, I was able to avoid SI / not think negatively / achieve something I'm proud of, and this is how I did it." Or, like... just... a community where I can DO stuff with people who happen to have depression too, I guess. I wouldn't mind finding some RPers who would have more sympathy for my anxieties and slow posting-ness now and then. Or a MMO group, or a writing community, or something else I'm interested in.

Yeah. I want to write again somehow. I mean, beyond all the uber-wordy journal entries and roleplaying posts I already do. Heh! I just mean... write something fictional but not-RP. The problem is "what"? I have tons of BIG potential writing projects. But I probably should start with something small, that I can actually conceivably finish in a short time. I had Kalli showing me drabble comms earlier, but I totally forgot to save them. ^^

So, here's what I end up wasting my time with all day: stuff like installing the wiki on which I've posted an odd Exalted 2nd Edition game concept I want to run. With weird new artifact rules, and overly wordy "hey you can take this background, but not that one, and... conditions, conditions!" Oh, and my Ex2 houserules which I'm almost certain no one who actually PLAYS Ex2 will care about. (I actually play a TON more 1st edition, so... that's my background. I've been learning Exalted 2nd very quickly, though!)

Man, I'm such a big waste of time. :D But... dunno. I actually kinda liked writing the Soul Vessels and Deliverers. I think the repressed math geek in me was all gung-ho about the number patterns or something. Hah!

Guess I'm rambled out, for now. I'm being bad and not helping Jon finish tidying up the apartment... *sigh*

At request of the wonderful rio_sakaki I am posting! :O

Now, about immigration. Since I've written about it elsewhere and ranted to many folks already I'll try to be brief. (Yeah, right. Me, brief?)

I went in for my Canadian immigration interview last week (Feb. 27), and it went horribly. I had my confidence pretty much devastated. I was not prepared to be interviewed alone, without Jon, and -- being both pessimistic and prone to fatalism, particularly when my mistakes or shortcomings are pointed out to me -- it turned out a harrowing experience. Didn't get this or that document right, had no idea I had a fine, and I felt mortified to talk about the way I live my life... I'm not a very neat person, nor do I cook well, nor do I sleep normal hours or have many non-sedentary activities. I understand she was asking to confirm that Jon and I live our lives together, including sharing hobbies and interests, but I was still ashamed, and very, very nervous.

In the end I sat in the lobby crying and I thought... "I'm finished." I was sure at the end of that interview that the agent was just going to refuse my residency and I'd be forced to go back to the U.S., without my husband, to a life I never loved.

A week later, I'm not as sure that I was right. I'm not sure things are okay, either, but just recently I got some mail from the very same immigration agent that interviewed me. It was information for obtaining a physical examination... one of the final steps in achieving my residency as well as my much-needed health care card. So my thought is, maybe I was overly pessimistic after all, and things may actually work out. But I'm still not going to count it as a victory just yet... because I'm scared of being disappointed again, I suppose, and because I don't want to jump to the opposite conclusion right away.

So, that's about it on the immigration front. I've just recently begun pulling out of a prolonged depressive episode that's lasted throughout the winter, and the scare I got from the interview did not help that. But I think I'm starting to get over it, and I have my husband and my friends to thank for being there and believing in me. Every time a crisis hits, I'm reminded that I do know very wonderful people, and I should strive to appreciate them better.

Lately I've had this urge to check my friends list and even post more often here. It's just hard to do the posting part without feeling like I'm just mirroring darksirensally. But, I'd like to reconnect with people on LJ and even make new friends, especially now that my winter darkness is lifting (so to speak). So let's see how this keeps up. ^^

*plasters it everywhere so everyone knows!*

Say happy birthday here if you wanna and haven't elsewhere. It makes my husband all bashful and it's cute when he blushes. -_^

We're going out for dinner now! and we got, with our combined parents' gift money, a PSP and a couple games. And also some nice clothes Jon is gonna wear for dinner! I'm quite pleased with both. Even if they're not supposed to be gifts for me! Heh!

( But here is my result. )

This result scares me, but at times is eerily accurate, but for one thing -- I don't have a sadistic partner. Nor do I think I should have one. There are some desires that just ought not to be stirred, IMO. Particularly if you aren't sure just how far you'll let it go. :P

Still think it was odd though that it was traced to me. :P No clue if something like that could happen again, so I'll just have to be more diligent about checking on things.

Now I am playing Sims 2. :D LOTS of it!